Seeya bye Latvian government! Whammy!
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
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