I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
Church boner. Awkwardddd
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
Randomize
