the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
He should get nipple rings. No homo...I actually don't think there is a way to make it non gay.
Yeah you should have just let that thought go.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
Randomize
