Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
tequila makes me forget i have legs
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
Randomize
