so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
i drank out of a bidet.
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
Randomize
