I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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