Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
Randomize
