I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Randomize
