Too bad my picture didn't come thru. It was one of me naked riding a unicorn with a wizard hat and a magic staff. And the unicorn had wings. And me too.
so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
He? As in you personified your dick?
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Randomize
