Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
i think i just saw hanson at the grocery store. one might have been a girl. hard to tell. lets call that one taylor.
why does my vagina smell like weed?
omg thats a great idea
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
im almost positive that in mid thrust she told me she was pro choice
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
