I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
I think that i just found proof that harry and ginny had sex
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
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Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
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I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me