I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
My dad got me a charm braclet....his way of trying to support my gayness....
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
This whole thing is fucking bullshit. I should be wasting all my hard-earned money at Planet Con this weekend but NOOOOOOOOO. Now I'll never get Roy Thomas to sign my comic
Randomize
