thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
we're ranked number 5 for having the most pot in the country for a university school. idk if i should feel worried or just plain blessed.
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
Randomize
