sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
wakey wakey hands off snakey
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
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