why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
