What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
Randomize
