I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
