Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
adderall just fell out of my nose in class. guy next to me just nodded.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
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