So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
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