It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
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you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
So the answer to your question is yes, I was masturbating on the roof of my building.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
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As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
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