chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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