Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
Randomize
