Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
