I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
I just want to know how she convinced 6 sober ROTC guys to have an ab contest on a street corner at 2 in the morning.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
Randomize
