Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
Brb crying the tears of my youth
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
Randomize
