I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
