Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
No vaginas are yucky and I don't think you're old enough to handle one yet
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
Randomize
