i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
