Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
Randomize
