i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
i find it depressing how it takes me longer to find a good video compared to the actual jacking off process.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
I just blew my weed a kiss
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
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