I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
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