i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
so tomorrow. i'm thinking coinstar then adderall?
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
Randomize
