she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
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