I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
You left your underwear on the fireplace
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
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