Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
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