Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
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