call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
I think we need to have a day of drinking in classes. I know we don't share any, but sacrifices need to be made.
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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