i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
Ok Ghana you win again. Tell you what...Double or nothing over women's tennis, basketball, hockey, war, baseball, golf, swimming, diving, oil spills, box office proceeds, internet porn sites, criminals incarcerated, women's downhill, bass fishing, NASCAR, or GDP?
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
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