So tell me more about the cum that came out of your nose
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
Need advice bro. Which one should I take: the blonde devil crying in the corner or the brunette crawling on the floor acting like a dinosaur??
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
Verdict: uncircumcised.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Randomize
