I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
My feet surprised me
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
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