we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
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