She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
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