I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
You can wear anything you want
So... Naked it is then
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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