Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
I think I sprained my soul last night
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
Randomize
