I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
Randomize
