I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
