two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
Randomize
