Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
four loko is apparently banned in the us. so i think its time for us to stock up. i already emailed them about buying them in bulk
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
Randomize
