theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
Randomize
