i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
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