There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize
