Free body shot off of Sarah. Expires never.
there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
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