Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
Randomize
