I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
So if a 2 is a 10 on the road... do we consider college to be "on the road?" help. its urgent.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
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