i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
so I think I'm done having sex with her, she's way too crazy
what about the blowjobs for adderall?
no those are still okay
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
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