i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
Pavlovs bj experiment 2012. Welcome to the program.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
