For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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