I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
