I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
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