Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
Randomize
