You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
