; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
Ross. Joey. Chandler. Who would you do?
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
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