1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
Let's roleplay tonight. I'll be drunken diva and you be sexy sober.
IF that's your way of making me dd then count me out.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
Randomize
